【托福写作批改】（343）22分托福自力写作范文

水草香蕉壁

来历：知乎
教书匠阿伦#托福写作批改办事
教书匠阿伦#托福提分月计划课程
教书匠阿伦#托福写作备考计划
<hr/>



<hr/>
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
It is important for government to provide money for beautiful things and not just for practical things.
At a (the) age of booming economy, many people gradually shift their focus form practical things like food, water and clothes to beautiful thing-unrealistic and abstract beauty（无效的下界说）. Some people hold that government should rather（rather误用） plan financial budget（中式英语） on beautiful things to create a（an） artistic city. However, in my opinion, the fundamental goal is to plan money on the edge of the balde（标准书面语避免利用俚语）, creating fundamental things（同义改写不妥） to benefit from big nation to small individual in the society. （中式英语，both...and...）
Firstly, providing money fro unrealstic and artstic stuffs（假如同义改写费劲，倡议保存题干中关键词beautiful things） are costly, and even cause defict to pay off other basic nation establishment（中式英语）. Suppose government plan to build a delacate and beatiful landmark in the city, a tower in the case. Famous engeneers are required（搭配不妥，hired） to draw a graph; construction matrails are required to transport（搭配不妥，transported from） thousands of miles away; workers are mandated to work 12 hours a day in a dangerous situation. All of these construtions and works are laborious and expensive. Though city may attract more tourists to travel by the aspiring landmakr, government’s budget are redeuce for practical things, like education.（避免在支持段中插入妥协） By providing money on education,（本段中对于beatiful things与education的对照标准不清楚，没法得出更应当投资教育的结论） government can built libriaris in the community and in the university, so that not only local studetns can get access to the large book resources, but also general citizens cancultivate reading habits（并列句语序毛病）. With higher literacy, more talented people can make contribution to their work fields, and eventually, boost the whole enonomy due to reasonable money allocating.（划线内容没法支持成长beautiful things是浪花钱，也没法强化两者的对照，倡议删除）
Moreover, fundamental facilities are superior to the beatiful things, espicially in the developed countries, where people are lack of basic life necessities（题目傍边没有对地区做限制，假如要分类会商的话需要增加其他情况的会商，本段论证偏题）. If government dare to（避免口语化表达） built unrealistic and beautiful things in the nation just for meaningless mental enjoyment（题目中并没有把beautiful things的功用限制与mental enjoyment，逻辑偏题）, citizens, with low living standards, will defintely stand out and fight against（避免口语化表达） unpratical government. What people really need in the situation?（避免利用反问句） None of them can solve basic needs, not to mention dreaming beautiful things. SongMing, a remote village in the South China,（举这个例子的意义不大，并没有扣题分析） are barely meet cloths, food and water resources, because no hignway and advanced tansportation sysytem are constructed to gurantee the fluid of fresh goods（中式英语）. Government, in this case, should consider the living standard of everyone in the nation, instead of wasting money on beatiful but useless constrcutions.（小结句倡议公道概括段落内容）
Admiteedly, we can see lots of trees and flowers are planted in the cities and on the middle of hign way.（究竟不是概念） Government seems to plan budget on a green and beautiful city, but this “green policy” was established on a prosperous city, which（从句毗连词利用毛病，where） most of fundamental facilities are well-establihsed and citizens（避免连写句） can at least have a good living standard. Not to mention, the true belife beind planting trees is also for the practical reasons-protect enviroment and peovide healthy inhabit.（辩驳句避免颠覆之前论证的假定与究竟） A old saying is that “to protect enviroment is to protect our bright furture”. As government, the central system in the nation, their most important goal is to condider the gueture devolopment of city and hapiness index of citizens, and apperantely, abstract beautiful things are their secondary consdirations.（划线句子与之前两真个内容反复，倡议删除/替换）
To sum up, I still opine my statement that government should resonable plan their budegt on practical things, since it can save money for education and solve the most pressing issues in the society.（结尾段偏题，题目并没有否认投资practical things的代价，而是会商能否也应当投资beautiful things）
<hr/>作文得分：
说话丰富度：3.0分
说话正确度：3.0分
结构完整性：4.0分
扣题和逻辑：3.0分
综合评分：3.25分
作文品级：Good
卷面分数：24分
<hr/>往期批改文章汇总：

历年托福自力写作题目汇总：

更多出色内容请关注教书匠阿伦@SATPEDIA！





■托福提分月计划课程（在线小班）
■SAT精英课程（在线小班）
■托福写作/SAT写作/ACT写作/GRE写作批改办事（48h内答复）

原文地址：https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/p/599020734
免责声明：本帖内容由机械人自动收集于互联网，如加害了您的权益，请联系我们【E-Mail:cb@yoyodoc.com】 我们会实时删除侵权内容，给您带来未便，深感歉意！